Monday, April 26, 2010
I decided to do this with my children. We started by praying that God would teach our hearts. And then we each read the entire Psalm, taking turns reading aloud. It is a practice I learned doing Lectio Divina. Then we focused on our verse for the day - Psalm 139:1. We again each read the verse out loud. Then we decided to get the dictionary and thesaurus and break it down. We wrote on the white board our favorite words [in parenthesis]:
O Lord [Master/Ruler], you have examined [investigated the state of/progress of] my heart [vital center of my being, emotions and thoughts] and know [have clear and certain perception/view of] everything about me.
Then we talked about each of the three things below:
How I Feel About the Verse: I felt a little uncomfortable with that idea. Like being under a microscope. My insides are supposed to be private. A place I can hide all the things I don't want others to see or know I am thinking. I feel a little invaded, scared of being that known, cause I know what's in there is bad. Just lately He's been showing me the blackness of my heart and how jealous I can be. And it isn't the Godly kind of jealousy that is FOR someone, it is the ugly kind that is OF someone. Beth Moore suggests that the root of jealousy is fear and as I explored that in my heart, I discovered that my root of fear is not being special, which I realize means I don't believe I have value unless I meet some random conditions set up in my head. I digress but that realization is how I ended up here. (I'm glad we read ahead)
What I Learn About God from the Verse: God is inside me. How else could he see what is in my heart. He knows everything. He can see my heart, my vital, living, important center of my being - the very core of who I am. No one else sees that. People only see what we let them see. Even those closest to me with whom I try to be real and honest. What God knows is clear and certain, no wiggle room for excuses, blame, arguement, justifying. And no running from Him either...
What I Learn About Me from the Verse: I am not alone and I am never really in hiding. And I am fully known by God - all the good, all the bad. All past and all present. He is Ruler and Master and so has authority to examine, investigate, look into what is going on in me. I also realized I can not manipulate God's perception of me because he KNOWS me, has a "certain and clear perception of" me. This makes me feel very odd because I sense a growing awareness, a slow unblinding of something... like how much I desire to control what people's perception of me is. To accept in my mind that God has the ultimate knowledge, that is most intimate, most accurate ... what do I do with that? I must ruminate with this for awhile. As much as I desire to be real and authentic, there must be a deeper level of it that He knows I am missing.
A lifetime of feeling worthless. Always looking to how others see me to feel ok. Dependent on the opinions of everyone else to feel valued. Thinking I have to be spectacular to be special. It is a rollercoaster I thought I'd overcome. And yet, in every conflict lately, in every relationship problem I have, in all the areas God seems to be revealing to me there it is: I don't really feel valuable. I don't live a life of power that comes from knowing you are. And so I have begun a journeythat feels radical to me because I never stick with any routine! But when I was reading a book last summer, Deeper, the author planted the idea. She gave a whole year to the process of reading Psalm 139 every day for a year. It inspired her to write the book as she began to see patterns of truth and it began to change her. I am begging God for it to do something deep in my own heart.
Posted by kendra at 5:24 PM