This Week's Focus

Investigate my life, O God
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

Psalm 139:23-24

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 9: No escape

Today the words that stood out to me were "I can never escape you."

Maybe because that is exactly what I tried to do Sunday morning at church. I have never not wanted to take communion, but that morning the words of the pastor were stirring painful stuff in me and I didn't feel that I could draw that close to God as you do in communion. He was talking about intimacy, and identity, and value. I tried to stay in my seat but I couldn't stop crying and I could barely restrain myself from bolting. Finally, I did bolt to the back. It was a bad hair day so I was wearing a hat which made "hiding" seem more possible. I kept my eyes on the floor and was nearly running and almost to the door when I heard a familiar voice calling, "Kendra. Kendra." (no it wasn't God...or was it? :))

I never looked up but I did surrender. My wise friend took my arm and guided me to the prayer circle and just prayed. All I heard was her warm, loving voice comforting me somewhere deep as she talked to God for me.

I've always been a runner. An escape artist. I have avoided pain my whole life. But I know that this time I have to stay. No more escape. I have to lean in to whatever God is stirring up.

Intimacy is somehow importantly, essentially, connected to value.

I don't get it. Yet.