Day 14: wrestle, cont'd

"... I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

My father-in-law is an accomplished cabinetmaker. A craftsman of utmost excellence. I have had the privilege of working by his side on some projects he's done for our home. His concentration, attention to detail, commitment to quality, high standards are all woven into each step of his pieces. I've watched his worn, beaten hands create smooth finishes on rich walnut. Watched them measure and remeasure, saw and re-saw until he gets a fit just right. And I've gotten to hold those warm, strong hands in moments of tenderness between us.

When people think of him making something and describe it as "skillfully made," they are really describing him, the maker, not the thing he made. The object is not "skillful" but because the one who made it was, that quality becomes inherent in the created thing.

So in this verse where "fearfully" and "wonderfully" are adverbs that describe the verb "made," is it also possible that these words are not describing the author of the psalm, they are describing how the Creator made him?

Fearful, in this context, means "reverent," "having awe."

If so, then God made us reverently! With reverence. With awe! As he thought through every detail of our DNA, and planned out each day of our lives, as his hands smoothed out the design for our being, he had reverence and awe. God has reverence and awe for us?

And so I think because those qualities were present in how he made us, they become inherent in us. We are reverently and wonderfully made by a reverent, awe-filled, wonderful Creator.

Mmmmmm.

Day 14: wrestle

I have been reluctant, avoiding, not really wanting to focus on these next several verses, 13-16.

Possibly because they are the most common, often associated with the prolife v. prochoice debate.

I think more because it is easy to focus on God and how great he is. This hits to the core of me. What I do not believe about myself.

Today I find a prodding, doubtful voice saying, "How can what David wrote apply to you?" Of course David is wonderfully made. But am I really?

I have more questions than answers. What does it mean to be "fearfully made?" What does it mean to be woven together in the depth of the earth? What does it mean you wrote all my days before I've lived them? Mostly, how can David's words apply to me?

This morning we printed out many translations and read them several times. I tried to research more about David, and about when we need historical context and when we can read God's Word personally. No answers yet.

Uncomfortableness. Resistance. Difficulty. Tangled. Confused. Wrestling.

Day 12 and 13: Ripples

Saturday I sat with about 8 women and shared my life-long struggle with feeling worthless, and what God is doing in me with this Psalm. It broke my heart to hear nearly all of them open up about feeling worthless, too. How I long for them to know and feel and live valued by God; how much more He must have that longing for all of us. How many more people feel this way?

Sunday we read the Psalm together as a family, each one sharing what stood out to them. The glimpse of a person's heart that is given in this kind of sharing touches my own so much. I watched my 13-year-old daughter read what I'd written on a day and I felt so thankful that she is learning this early in her life. And my 9-year-old son wrote a card for me that expressed how much I am loved, showing me that he understands. I asked him how he knew what to write and he replied, "I think God gave me a message for you, Mom."

I woke up Sunday morning with a new feeling. All I can ever remember is a sense of a dark hole in my soul that nothing could fill. The image of standing next to a stream but never drinking from it. Being aware of God but never turning him to quench the thirst for affirmation and worth that is so deep in me. But this morning I woke with a completely different picture, sense. I could almost literally hear the stream running. I am standing in it. I am bending over with my mouth wide open, drinking in. Every pocket and crevice I have is open to be filled with His living water. I don't see the dark hole in me anymore; only the sound of water filling me up; only the color of blue, clear and fresh water.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”


I just realized ... it is pouring down rain as I write this...

Day 11

I have spent the past week and a half immersed in Psalm 139. I had no plan, am just walking through this as open as I can be. The first week I concentrated on the first stanza (verse 1-6), this second week have concentrated on the second (verse 7-12)

As I look back over the time I've spent so far, I do see one overarching pattern -- and it is a surprise:

I have begun to have a real sense of being valued, being valuable, by focusing on God, not on myself.

These first 12 verses are all about God. How important that he began by turning my eyes toward him before he ever makes mention of me. These opening verses tell me what he does, who he is, where he is. That I would be on his radar at all is amazing to me. That makes me feel especially valued. Not by having him tell me how great I am, but having him show me who he is.

Day 10: Even there

Today's words that God kept whispering over and over again to me ... "even there...even there...even there." (verse 10.)

I walked through the winter woods on a solitude retreat year ago. I remember this distinctly because I was so scared of walking alone in the woods but felt God calling me to overcome my fear of being lost by going on this walk alone with him. I had a fear of being lost literally, as well as spiritually.

All my senses were on high alert as this spider-loathing-non-girl-scout-type ventured out into the vast, dense unknown. The crisp, cold air pricked my nerve endings, helping along the state of alertness. My ears perked at every crackle and snap, most of which came from my own feet.

Unsure of which way to go, I opened my heart to listen to God and let Him guide my steps through the woods. As panic waned, my eyes sharpened to beauties previously unbeknownst to me! Spiderwebs seemed to emerge from nowhere, sprinkled with glistening dew like glitter on string. What was always there before but invisible to my eyes became known to me now as my eyes adjusted and my fear was allayed by awe.

I met marvel after marvel. An "arrow" tree pointing the way; tinkling bells of clinking broken ice at the shore of a pond; tree branches lifting their arms to the sky in seeming praise to their Creator; beds of brown leaves resting on the carpet that softened my path and made a great bed.

My heart and mind filled with the magnificence of God's creation - what He made. I knew I was in a sacred place.

And then I spotted a beer can in this place of beauty.

My emotions fell like a jet plane suddenly losing altitude. In my head played a fast-fowarding movie of all the bad things that could have happened in that place: drugs, alcohol, sex, worse. The place was spoiled.

"It is still a sacred place."

A voice inside but apart from myself.

"Even there."

Just because man defiles something, does not change the fact that God created it. God is love, beauty, goodness and what he makes is so, too. God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was excellent in every way.

Moses met God deep in the wilderness, too. God appeared as a blazing fire in a bush. He told Moses to take off his shoes, that he was on holy ground. Moses did because as an act of reverence, conveying his own unworthiness before God.

If we now know that God is everywhere, then we are on holy ground everywhere. And if he is in us, then we are holy. Not because of what we do good, but because of God's presence in us. Because of his creation of us. We are surrounded by sacred spaces. We are a sacred space. I am sacred.

This is so difficult for me to believe, embrace, live. Sunday morning, despite all the progress I've made, again I listened to a different voice that kept telling me that some things are not redeemable. I am just damaged. Beyond repair.

Lies! Here is the truth before me! Even as I have defiled myself, allowed others to defile me. I am still sacred. In all those ugly places I have been - physically and mentally - He was there. In all the dark places I will probably still go, He is there. Even there. All I have to do is open the eyes of my heart and, like those spider webs that I didn't see before the sunlight and dew worked together to reveal them to me, he will show himself. Even there.

Day 9: No escape

Today the words that stood out to me were "I can never escape you."

Maybe because that is exactly what I tried to do Sunday morning at church. I have never not wanted to take communion, but that morning the words of the pastor were stirring painful stuff in me and I didn't feel that I could draw that close to God as you do in communion. He was talking about intimacy, and identity, and value. I tried to stay in my seat but I couldn't stop crying and I could barely restrain myself from bolting. Finally, I did bolt to the back. It was a bad hair day so I was wearing a hat which made "hiding" seem more possible. I kept my eyes on the floor and was nearly running and almost to the door when I heard a familiar voice calling, "Kendra. Kendra." (no it wasn't God...or was it? :))

I never looked up but I did surrender. My wise friend took my arm and guided me to the prayer circle and just prayed. All I heard was her warm, loving voice comforting me somewhere deep as she talked to God for me.

I've always been a runner. An escape artist. I have avoided pain my whole life. But I know that this time I have to stay. No more escape. I have to lean in to whatever God is stirring up.

Intimacy is somehow importantly, essentially, connected to value.

I don't get it. Yet.

Day 8: "Love is a verb"

verb (vûrb)
n.
1. Abbr. V or vb.
a. The part of speech that expresses existence, action, or occurrence

Nowhere in this psalm does God say outright, "I love you."

I am a word person. I LOVE words, love to study them, love to understand their meaning and try to choose just the perfect one, love how they can be used to paint pictures and convey feelings. And, words are my love language -- when someone tells me something good or encouraging or affirming, I feel loved.

So how is it after being with this Psalm now for 8 days I feel God's love eventhough those specific words aren't there?

Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth...

My friend Jennifer created a necklace that simply says, "Love is a verb." I have admired it for a long time, and bought one from her recently so I've been thinking about it a lot.

As another way to drink it into my heart, I began collecting Psalm 139 songs (posted some in the sidebar). In Rebecca St. James' song version of Psalm 139, she does sing, "eventhough you know [everything about me], you will always love me." It hit me today that she is saying directly what the Psalm does not. Psalm 139 describes all the ways in which love is a verb. I realized the Psalm doesn't have to say literally that God loves me because it is inherent in his actions.

(Jennifer sells the necklace pictured above in her Etsy store when she's not all out. Go to her blog to find out more http://www.apoemlife.blogspot.com)